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Step 10: Down and Out

2006-03-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

Step 10

Down and Out

Knowledge of God without knowing our own poverty makes for pride. Knowledge of our own poverty without knowing God makes for despair. Knowledge of Jesus Christ lets us present both to God and to our poverty .

In this last step I found out that in following Jesus Christ it needs an attitude of humility and self giving for the sake of others. As I read this step I noticed and realized that God calls in this kind of life in order to share what I have and shine in my own little way. For me it is very hard to task because it needs a generous heart and a humble heart. But as I reflect upon the things happen deep within my heart I realized that I already done something about the service of others but the problem was I was not able to appreciate and acknowledge that it is a grace from God and it needs to be thanked.

As I go on in my vocation there are times that I was not able to value my own giftedness because I think that there other who was more talented than me. But the best thing to do first in myself is to appreciate and acknowledge my own uniqueness as a person. That I have my own talents and skills given to me by God. And I have to share it to others without counting the cost. I was touched in this saying of Blaise Paschal because there are times that I was too boastful and have great pride because of my own ability and talents. I did not realize that all things that I have is a gift from God.

Sometimes I am like James and John in the gospel of mark, who wanted to book the principal seats with Jesus in his baptism of death, and again he challenges them with his different view of authority, where the greatest will be the servant. I was struck in this passage of the gospel of mark because I have this tendency to be great especially in this vocation that I choose. As what I have observe in some of the priests in our diocese that they want to be acknowledge that without them the diocese will not be good in terms of leadership. Although the work of a priest is to lead the people of God and bring them in union with God but I have to be aware that I want to follow Jesus who did not come to this world to be serve but to serve.

As a seminarian I have to practice now that my life in the future is called to humble service without any cost and realize that without God’s help my ministry will not be successful.

Step 9: Christ Encounter

2006-03-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Step 9

Christ Encounter

In my own encounter with Jesus Christ, there were a lot of persons who were involve in my encountering with him. And I consider those persons as a gift and grace from God which help me to be closer to him and enable me to appreciate and value my own life. They help me to become good and responsible person. They are the one who nourished first my vocation and help me to develop it.

The first person whom I considered that I encounter Jesus Christ is my parents through them I was born on this earth. They are the one who make me as a person and a God fearing man. Through there efforts and sacrifices I was able to grow and become a mature person in the eyes of God and in the eyes of men. For me my parents were the first who nourished my vocation. They taught all the good values in life and they brought me closer to the church.

The second people whom I considered that I encountered Jesus Christ were my catechists during my elementary. They are the one who were responsible to teach me all about God. As what I had remembered during my elementary that according to one of my catechist is that God is so loving and kind to all of us that He even gave his only begotten Son and died for our sins. So in return we are challenge to be kind and loving to our neighbors and to our parents. These things really imprinted in my mind because out of their teaching I was able to be generous unto others even to the needy and poor.

The third person whom I considered that I encountered Jesus Christ was our parish priest Reverend Fr. Noel C. Suarez. This person has a great role and help in my life. For almost five years I was his altar boy. He is the one who helped me to continue to nourish my vocation. During the time when I asked permission from my parents, my mother did not approve to my plan in life because she want me to finish my studies outside the seminary. But the only person who helped to convince my mother was Fr. Noel Suarez. I also considered him as my model in this vocation I choose because in him I saw the picture of how to become a true follower of Jesus Christ in his great work of mercy and love for his people. As a parish priest in our town, he works for the good of his parishioner. He will have five masses during Sunday and everyday he will visit one barrio which is far from the town.

In all these persons whom I considered as in persona Christi I was thankful to God and really appreciate his working through other people. Through these persons I was able to value my own self and also others. For me they were part in my journey of life.

Step 8: The Experience of Spirit

2006-03-06T16:17:00.000-08:00

Step 8

The Experience of Spirit

The very reason why I enter in the seminary because I want to response to the love of God being shared to me and to my family and serve His people in a way of priestly life. For almost five years in the seminary I live a happy and valuable life because I believe that God called me in this kind of life. I know that the spirit of God were present in every seconds, minutes, hours, days, and years in my life. It is very hard to explain and say when I experienced the spirit. In my prayers there are times that it is too dry and empty because of anxieties and difficulties that I had experience. What I did when I experienced these things was to be present in the chapel and just be there. But there are times that I could say I really feel the presence of the spirit. That I could not explain how it feels. There something happening deep within and I can feel a deep happiness that nobody could give but only God.

One great experienced of mine was the time that my father got an illness, during that time I could not concentrate in my prayers because I always think of my father. Out of that event I really blame God because I have in my mind that if you are close to Him especially I am a seminarian. God will not give you pains and sufferings but it is opposite to my experience. During that time my concentration in prayers was gone and very dry, I could not feel the His presence. But the only thing that holds me to be faithful is my attendance to the celebration of the Eucharist. Everyday I always present in the mass. But as time goes on life change, disposition change and still life continues. I did not loose the faith in God because I believe that He is the only one whom I can lean on and my deep joy that I experience sometimes in my prayers.

Last April 2005 my father passed away due to kidney failure, it is very painful in my part and to my family because we love our father. Again I blame God why He allows the death of my father. For so many people in this world why it happens to my family. But as I continue in my journey of life, now I understand that God let it happen to my family to test us if we were faithful to Him. In spite of that painful experience that I had I did loose the faith to believe in God and to continue my vocation.

Step 7: Calls of Conscience

2006-03-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

Step 7

Calls of Conscience

Don’t expect to meet Jesus Christ in some obvious way: what you do to the least of my brothers and sisters you do unto me. This passage is very relevant to my life because I know that every person in this world is made in the image and likeness of God. For me as a human person I have this capacity to act and to do something for the least and the needy one.

One of my experiences, when I was still in secondary I have seen a man who was abandoned by his families and relatives. He lives near in the market place in our town. Every morning he was collecting vegetables in the garbage can for his breakfast. Upon seeing him I was pity on him because I know that he needs food. What I did is I got a knife sliced a little meat in our store and got fish in the ice bucket and gave to him. Receiving what I had given I saw on his face a thankful heart and he was happy. Then I noticed in my self that I was too were happy because I made that person happy.

Don’t bury your talents out of fear, use it. In this passage I was struck because I know that sometimes I have this tendency to do things out of my pride and because I want a payment in return. One experiences of mine during my first year in college. The seminary at that time needs a driver and a butcher. They hired many seminarians to do such thing but nobody could do it. In my mind I want to present myself to them because I know that I have those talents but because of my pride and fear I didn’t presented my self. At that time what is in my mind is that if you hired me you must paid me. But as time goes on I was able to share my talents to the community. And I noticed that many of my brother seminarians were happy because we could go to the school even the driver of the seminary were absent. I was too were happy because I know and believe that these that I have is a gifts from God that needs to be shared and nurtured.

In that experienced that I had I realized and acknowledge that God shared to me everything that I need to let me share it to others and make others happy. At first I did not noticed it because of my selfishness, I focused only to what I want without recognizing the needy persons. But by the grace of God I was able to get out from the shell that I was imprisoned and able to share what I have to others. I was very thankful to God for making me a person who could easily recognized those persons who are in need and poor.

step 6: The Wondering Mind

2006-03-01T00:42:00.000-08:00

Step 6

The Wondering Mind

In my experience as a growing person in the light of faith, I was that kind of person who can easily recognize and appreciate the beauty of nature and all the things that surrounds me. One experience of mine during my pre-college year in the seminary five years ago, we visited a cave, in the place of Dalirig.

It was an exciting moment for me because it was my first time to visit that cave. Upon entering the cave I saw the image of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the entrance of the cave. A huge statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. We pray first the rosary, after the prayer we proceed to the cave. At first it was too dark and calm. When we lighted our candle we saw a beautiful rock formation of stalagmites and stalactites. Then I asked myself; Is this true? Am I dreaming? I relized that it is really true and it is the work God.

Sometimes in my life, there were events that I could not acknowledge the presence of God. I only think that it was my pure intention to do that thing without the help of God. But only to realize that all the wonderful things that I see, I hear, taste, I smell, and all what I have was a gift from God. I am thankful to God for giving me this opportunity to experience the wonder of his creation.

For me it is a great gift that needs to be valued and cared. Through this experiences of mine I was able to value everything in this world. The gift of life, the gift of persons, the gift of nature and everything that surrounds me, for me it is a treasure which nothing can be exchange of. No money can buy in all this wonderful things that God given to us.

step 5: the Hungry Heart

2006-03-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

Step 5

The Hungry Heart

“Come to me, all you who labour and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart: and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.”(Mt.11: 28-30)

In this gospel passages from Matthew I was struck and touched because it talked about the call of Jesus to his followers. It was my desire to follow Jesus even there are many obstacles and trials that I had experienced. In my journey of life I could say that God really in my heart even in times that I was not faithful to him but still God loved me. I realized that there was emptiness inside my heart and I am hungry for his presence.

One of my experiences that I could say I have this hungry heart during my practicum in San Andres High School. During that time we were away from the seminary structure. We were the freedom to be on our own without the guidance of our formators. But we live in the convent, there were times that I could not attend the mass because of many things to do like making grades, lesson plans, checking tests papers, recording scores, etc. In this events of my life I could really feel the emptiness of my heart or what we say hungry of heart.

I realized that without God I am nothing in this world. This really touched my life as a seminarian that my life is miserable without God’s presence deep inside my heart. In my prayers I always ask God to be with me especially in times of my difficulties and struggles in life.

Escaping from Strange God

2006-02-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

Step 4

Escaping from Strange God’s

In my experience as a child, this escaping from the strange God was one way of my parents in correcting me as they said to me “don’t do bad things because Papa Jesus will punished you or don’t do that because we will be scolded by Papa Jesus”. From my childhood until the time that I had my own understanding about God. Everytime I committed sin or do bad things it always remind me of this wrong notion about God. This concept about God who punished really bothers me and gives me a wrong concept about God. During my catechism class in elementary, our catechist in the class taught us that God is so loving, merciful, kind just, etc. She added that even we commit sins God is always there waiting for us to ask forgiveness. These things give to me confusion and doubt because it contradicts as what my parents taught me.

In my secondary years, we had our values class. During this class our teacher taught us how to read the bible, how to pray devotedly, how to use the rosary, and many others including the concept about God. This class helps me to understand and I was enlightened from my wrong notion about God. It is clear in the bible that God is so loving that he gave his only son to save us from sins. God is merciful, he forgave those who asked forgiveness. I was able to appreciate and cultivate my faith in God because of this values class that we had during my secondary years.

This understanding about God twist my wrong notion, it help me to discover and know that God is loving, kind, just, merciful, caring, and forgiving. Because of this experience of mine it help me to seek God in a more intimate way through my prayer and meditation. It enables me to value His love in my own little ways that could help others specially those who are in need. I was able to nourish and nurture my faith upon entering into the group of an altar boy in our place. I was exposed to the actual sacrifice of Jesus in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. But at first it was no effects in my life maybe because I take it for granted. But at this moment it has a great role in my life and takes it as part of my journey towards priesthood.

Here in the seminary there are times that I could say why God wants me to be humble and generous? Then in my prayers God answer it that I want you to be like this because you want to follow the footsteps of my son. In following Him it needs humility of heart and a generous heart. At first I was not able to do it but by the grace of God I did it.

Unexpected Moments

2006-02-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

Unexpected Moments

I arrived at the convent. I saw the door of the room of the parish priest open. I peered in to check if he was inside. I noticed he was not there. I found note on his table. I read it. Tears fell from my eyes. My knees began to shake. I suddenly felt weak. My hands could not hold the paper anymore. I started to feel dizzy. My surroundings looked blurred and black. I fell down and fell asleep. When I woke up, I found out that I was in the hospital. I saw the nurse putting a needle in my hands for the dextrose. After the nurse had put the dextrose, the doctor came in to check if I was okay. I was surprised when the doctor said to me that I had a sickness. My heart is weak and it needed to be operated on. Knowing my status, I called up my mother.

When my mother arrived at the hospital, I told her about my situation. She immediately called up my brothers and sisters. When they arrived at the hospital, they told me not to worry because they could contribute for the payment of the operation. I thanked god for having my brothers and sisters. The operation was scheduled before my birthday. All the things needed for the operation were already prepared.

A day before the operation the doctor told me not to eat. So I had to follow what he instructed me. The operation was successful and my mother was so happy seeing me again healthy. And so with my brothers and sisters.

My Christmas with Mixed Feelings

2006-02-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

My Christmas of Mixed Feelings

After the Christmas break in the seminary, the Bukid Majors had the caroling in the parish of Camp Philips. The purpose of this caroling was to raised funds for our Christmas party together with our younger brother college seminarians in our Diocese. We spent two days for the caroling. After the caroling I went home and helped my mother in her business. I enjoyed selling meat and fish in the market with my mother and sisters.

However, last December 21, in the middle of the night, I was awakened by the crying of my mother. She had a high fever and felt pain in his left stomach. So I brought her to the hospital. I called up my brother and sister-in-law who were working in Malaybalay and asked them prepare because we would admit our mother in the hospital.

Because of this event, I was so sad because I thought we would celebrate our Christmas in the hospital. But thanks be to God, the doctor allowed us to go home before Christmas. Under one condition: that I would bring my mother back for check-up after New Year. Then before leaving the hospital, the doctor asked us to buy all the medicines needed by my mother. During that time, I also noticed that the illness mother had was like the sickness of my father that caused his death. My feelings during this time were mixed sadness and joy. Sadness because I know that kidney trouble is a very expensive illness and joy because we will celebrate our Christmas and New Year in our home.

These events reminded me that every life here on earth is a special gift from God. it needs to be nourished and taken cared of. My mother needs to be taken cared and given special attention and love. The most important thing was that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ together, although it was a celebration with mixed feelings.

my semestral break

2006-02-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

My Semestral Break

During the semestral break, I had many experiences but I will cite only two events. The first was the presbyteral ordination. The Bukidnon theologians were assigned to serve in the ordination to the priesthood of the three deacons in our diocese. so before the ordination day, we had our practice in the Cathedral. During the ordination, we were the servers and I was assigned as a candle bearer. After the ordination, we went to the hometown of the newly ordained priests to serve in their thanksgiving masses. For me, it is a significant event because it helped me to courageous in my vocation.

Secondly, I spent my time with my family because I knew they need my presence. My father died seven months ago. So in our home, I helped my mother in selling meat and fish. I saw in my mother’s face the joy and happiness when we gathered together as one family. My two brothers, with their own families, went home for the gathering during November 1. We prepared a lot of things to make that day happy one. Many foods were served and all my family gathered together with some of our relatives. Then we went together to the cemetery where my father was buried. We lighted a candle on the grave of my father and prayed. After that we took our lunch in the cemetery and had a sort of sharing.

These events in my life inspired me a lot. I was happy seeing my family gathered together and sharing what we have. This made me realize how beautiful a family is if there is peace, unity and love. I really treasured my semestral break experience in my heart and thanked God for them, because these have inspired and strengthened me to continue my vocation.

step 3

2006-01-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Step 3
Escaping from the Wrong Questions:

I do not seek to understand in order to believe. I shall not understand unless I believe[1].
Going over from the pursuit of certainty to the pursuit of understanding can be a change of mind as well as a change of heart[2].
Since high school, I had in my mind this question about God. Is there really a God? This question always came into my mind especially when I encountered problems and trials in my life as a high school student. Even though I was an altar boy in our parish who always attended Masses and spiritual nourishments, I really had this doubt about God if he really existed. Maybe because during that time, my faith in God was as little as the mustard seed. When I entered the seminary, I was enlightened and awakened from this question. And another question came: If I don’t have faith in God, why I want to follow His Son Jesus Christ, without knowing him and without experiencing him? This really bothers me in my first year in the seminary formation. But by the grace of God, through his servants the priests, who gave us recollections and spiritual directions, I was awakened from that wrong question. They helped me nourish my faith in God and to let it grow. But there were times that my faith in God was tested, like in times of my crisis, ups and downs in my formation.
I was tested by God when my father was suffering from his sickness. I really blamed God about it because of the many persons in the world, why should it be my father. I was a third year college seminarian at that time and I really experienced crisis in all aspects of my seminary life. In my spiritual life, even though I am present in the chapel, my focus on God was gone. In my community life, every time that I hear backbiting against me I would ask them to have a sparring. In my apostolate life, of the many times that I was present there, I just drank hard liquors in the city and entered bars. In my academic life, I had no time to study because I always brought liquor to my room. But in those times that I had crisis the only thing that I consider a great help was I always attended Mass. And it is by the grace of God that I was able to recover from that crisis I had.
It is my faith that I really appreciate and I thank God for being generous and kind to me, that he gave everything that I need in this life of mine. He gave me my loving parents and my brothers and sisters. He shared to me the precious gift of life and everything that I have now. Although there are times that I am not faithful to him, still he is always shares to me His many gifts. Through my prayers and in the mass I thank God for everything even there are times that my prayers is too dry and I had many sins against him but still I continue to intimate relationship with him and strive to good for his greater glory.

[1] St. Anselm.
[2] John S. Dunne.

step 2: artificial world.....

2006-01-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

Step 2
Seeing through the System

We who are born into the world’s artificial system can never adequately know how little in our present state and circumstances is natural…It is only through the medium of the imagination that we lessen those iron fetters which we call truth and reality, and make ourselves even partially sensible of what prisoners we are[1].
This second step is about the reality of the effects of the new technology in our society today. It shows how it penetrates and changes the values of the people in this modern world. Our media today developed and transformed the lifestyle of the people in the wrong sense. They show us the many values we think is right and true because we have seen it and we could imitate it. But if we are not aware of these things it could bring us into a big problem and difficulties in encountering God.
My experience about this new technology, feels me that it is rampant and it has great influence in our society today. When I went home to our place, many of my parishioners have a great problem about this media, because their children are already exposed to it and some of them have exploited it. One concrete example is my nephew. He is a five-year-old boy. Early in the morning, before taking his breakfast, he will already open the television and watch movie that needs a parental guidance. But because his mother is a teacher and his father is a driver. They could not guide him which movie to be watched. So he is exposed to movies that have killing, sex, etc. Another example is my neighbor’s son. He is a grade three pupils in our place. During recess time he will cut classes because of this video game. Before going home in the afternoon he drop by this video game and play.
For me, to have a new technology is not bad, if we use it in a proper way. In the manner of evangelization, mass media and radio is very useful in spreading the Gospel. It could help the preachers and the servants of God to share the love of God to the whole world. But the problem is that there are many media companies using it in advertising that promote things which are not good for us human beings like cigarettes, liquors, etc. This many things being promoted by the media has a great influence and has devalued the importance of humanity as a created being in the image and likeness of God.
These technologies hinder me, as a future servant of God, to preach the good values of Jesus Christ and his great love because many youth of today are influenced by the wrong values they get from the media. They are able to do bad things that they think are good because they see it in the television. The best way for me to counteract these wrong values is to know first what wrong values being taught by the media are and to be aware about it. I know that it is a great task for me as a future servant of God, but I believe that God is always there to help and to guide me in all my endeavors. It is a great challenge for me to be more faithful and prayerful to God because I know without his help, I could not do the task and duty that God prepared for me in the future.

[1] Nathaniel Hawthorne

step 1: From false self to a true self.....

2006-01-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

STEP 1
The First Freedom: From False to True Self

He had two selves within him apparently, and they must learn to accommodate each other…some of us, with quick alternative vision, see beyond our infatuations[1].
In this journey of my life, I had experienced many things that I believe is really the fruit of my desire. During my elementary years, I desired to become an electrical engineer and priesthood was my second choice. I desired to become an engineer because my father wanted to have a machine shop in our place. But as time went on, my desire was changed into priesthood because during my sixth year in elementary, I became an altar boy in our parish. From that time on I become closer to God and it helped me nourish my faith and touch my life as a young boy.
In my high school life, I experienced many obstacles in my desire to become a priest. My peer group influenced me to do bad things like drinking, smoking, etc. But all these things taught me and I learned a lot from them. Before my graduation from high school, I took the examination for priesthood and passed. But the problem is that my mother did not want me to enter into the seminary because she wanted me to finish college first. I insisted because I knew it was really my desire to become servant of God and to be servants of his people.
When I entered the formation, I really struggled with the problem of my own self because I really did know how to handle my self in terms of anger, infatuation, etc. In my first year of my seminary formation, I had the difficulty of adjusting to my fellow seminarians because we came from different families that have different lifestyle. But as the formation went on, I learned to adjust and mingle with their different attitudes. During my college year in the formation, I had to know more about my self in terms of emotion towards opposite sex; how to handle it when it came and what my alternative are towards my feelings. At first it was really hard to face this struggle because I knew that it is normal for me to experience such thing.
For me awareness of one’s self is very important because it help me realize and understand what is happening deep inside of me and know what are the things that are false and true to me. Knowing one’s self is a grace from God that helps me to become closer to Him and to have intimate relationship with Him. It is not easy to be aware of my self because I have many anxieties and struggles deep within. But I know God is there willing to help and give grace in order for me to strive in many problems that I have encountered and to be encounter in the future. I believe that the true happiness that I am searching for can’t be found in my self and to others, but only God can give it to me through my prayers, meditations, and contemplation. I know that God is the only source of my happiness. That’s the reason why I’m still here in the seminary.

[1] George Eliot